[MUSIC] My brother has been living in Shanghai for more than 15 years. When I visit him there, he's almost like a different person, gesticulating defiantly, shouting at waiters and speaking emphatically. I wondered what he was doing until I realized everyone was doing the same thing. Everyone communicates differently. That may sound obvious, however, do you, like me, still catch yourself surprised when someone reacts badly to something you've said? You think that's strange, I was being really nice, or direct, or logical, or democratic, however you prefer to communicate and they're reacting badly? You're left confused and not understanding why. When this happens, I realized that that person did not grow up in my body with my family, in my community, nor did they have the same experiences that I had. Then I get surprised that any of us communicate with each other at all, ever. [LAUGH] To stop you from misinterpreting the people around you, here are five guidelines worth applying before responding. This helps you turn distrust, frustration, and annoyance into understanding, acceptance, and empathy. [MUSIC] Your unconscious mind through which you filter all of your experiences takes everything personally, even when it ain't personal at all. You see what happens around you and you create a story around it, don't you? After all, we are meaning making machines. Even just knowing this helps you stop thinking everyone is against you and start wondering what's going on for them. I was running a workshop once where we were dealing with a tricky topic. One woman suddenly got up and stormed out. I thought, something has distressed her. At the end of the workshop, she came back in and apologized profusely to me. She explained her client had had a major crisis and she was so frustrated because she had to leave straight away and miss the workshop. I learned that lesson once again, don't take it personally. [MUSIC] Cause and effect, most people live at effect. They blame other people, things, and situations for everything that happens in their lives. These things have caused their misfortune. They say, it's because the market is down, or the client didn't like me, or the suppliers got it wrong, the bus was late, I didn't sleep last night, the other department didn't know what they wanted. Everything is everyone else's fault. A lot of the conversations you have with your friends start with, you won't believe what happened to me this week. When we do this we assume a passive position, everything is happening to us and outside of our control or isn't. A small percentage of the population lives at cause. They say I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. Now, I'm not about to say that you have attracted everything in your life, even if I did believe that I couldn't prove it. [LAUGH] All I ask is that you question, what if I was that cause? What if took responsibility? How could I change that interaction, event, situation, and get a different outcome? One side of the equation leaves you powerless and the other enables you to take control. Which side would you prefer to be at? Be at cause, now this is not a shift the blame game. It's their fault, it's my fault, it just is. Just take responsibility and see how you can change that situation. [MUSIC] Ecology, everything you do towards others should be ethical in their best interests. If it's not, they will find out. When they do, that will not only ruin that relationship but also your reputation and potentially, your career. So check, does this particular action help this person? Does it increase their choices? Does it allow them to get what they need and want in the best possible way? If not, choose another course of action. The world is far too small to be destroying relationships by taking advantage of people. In this global environment with all the multimedia channels, bad news travels fast. [MUSIC] Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available. No one wants to behave badly. It's exhausting. People react to them in an even more negative way and it affects their satisfaction and enjoyment, not to mention creates unnecessary stress. So if someone behaves badly in your view, it's because they don't know how to meet their needs in any other way in that moment. We are always, always trying to meet our own needs. But most people don’t know how to meet them positively, so they meet them negatively. For example, if someone desperately wants to be recognized for doing excellent work, they might go on and on and on about how no one else is competent. They have to do everything themselves and stay back to 11 PM. They are simply doing their best in that moment to meet their needs and get the recognition that they want. They do not want to behave badly, it's all they can do in that moment. [MUSIC] Often we look at others and think, why did they do it this or that way? We become critical of them. But why should they behave like you do if you don't shift to communicate like them? What you will find is as soon as you take a small step towards them, they will start to shift their communication towards you. My clients are all very different, from analytical to entrepreneurial to opinionated. Richard Branson has met a lot of them, and each one, regardless of their personality style, raves about Richard. Why? Because he is wonderful at adapting to whomever he is speaking to. That makes them feel safe, valued, and connected to him on a deeper level. We'll show you how you can do this too later on in this course. But once you shift your behavior to be more like the other person, they start to shift to be more like you. Once you accept these guidelines, you're much more likely to take responsibility for the way you communicate. Then you can make conscious decisions about what you're communicating and how. It also helps you accept others as they are. After all, as I said, no one wants to behave badly. They're doing the best they can with the resources they have available. They may not be doing very well, but they are doing their best. And I know sometimes it can be hard, especially if you're sleep deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed. That's why becoming a business leader becomes more and more difficult the higher up you go. Not only do you need to be on top of strategy and achieving results. But you also need to be in a balanced state at all times, especially when communicating. Want to know more? Well, let's go. [MUSIC]
