[MUSIC]. Welcome back. In this module, we're examining the relationships that lead to effective leadership, but again, as we did in the earlier module, to help us explore this, I think it's important that you look at part of your past experience. So what I'd like to do is start us with an exercise. I'd like you to think back over your entire life about the people in your life who have helped you the most, helped you the most become who you are or get to where you are. And again, think about your entire life. I'd like you to pull out a piece of paper And a pen and to write down the names. I'll ask you to hit the pause button for a moment until you have 3 to 5 names written down. And then I'll give you further instructions. Now that you've got the names written down of these 3 to 5 people who have helped you most in your life. Again, your whole life become who you are or get to where you are. What I'd like you to do is to for each person on the list, next to their name, remember a key moment that you had with them. In which they helped you or you learned something. I'd like to write next to their name a few words or phrases that capture what they did or said in that moment. And then, just to the right of that, write a phrase or two about what it is you learned or took away from that, as you reflected on it later. Since this will take a num-, a few minutes. I would suggest at this point that you hit the pause button. Continue to fill in these, recollections of how they acted. In specific moments in the past for each person, what you learned or took away, and then hit the play button when you're ready to come back. Thank you. Welcome back. At this point I'd like to start with a question about mindfulness. We mentioned mindfulness and it's important. In the earlier modules. Now let me ask you to practice a little bit. How did it feel when you were remembering these people, these relationships, those key moments? Were you aware of anything going on inside as you were re, recalling these? In a lot of past experiences with this exercise. We have found that people often will say, I felt touched, I felt emotional. And by that they mean I felt a little choked up, I, I felt so proud that somebody cared for me that much. I felt so grateful that somebody loved me so much that they put the effort in. I felt really moved by their degree of caring about me. A lot of times people will also say I felt excited like I was feeling in that moment. Even though I went back 10, 20, 30, 40 years I could feel it again. What it was like. And yet, while you're feeling excited, people also say, well, because I'm helicoptering over this, I know I'm in a safe place sitting at my computer or at my desk right now so, I know that I'm actually not feeling these things. And sometimes people start to become aware of the fact that. They make some other connections about other parts of their relationship with that person or other people in their life that are similar. If you had any of those types of feelings during these recollections, you just had a moment in the parasympathetic nervous system. In the last module we talked about why this was so important for renewal. And I don't think I need to remind you of what it's like to feel stress. But I do need to point out: What is it like when we feel renewed? Most of the time, we confuse renewal and rest. They aren't the same, as I said in the last module. But a renewal moment is something that you just had, if you had some of those sensations. And then, you don't even have to have all of them, just some of them. And, it didn't take an hour. It took 10 minutes, maybe, for you to rekindle these memories and these emotions. So I'd like you to remember that as we go forward, because it becomes a key indicator for yourself in your growth and development. Now, I would like to ask you a question that we're actually not going to analyze. But it's worthy of your reflections, later on today or this coming weekend. Whose list will you be on? Whose list will you be on in the future? That's our legacy, folks. The relationships with people that we have reached out and helped or touched in some way. Now what I'd like to do is to move into analyzing some of what you identify. Most of the time in these recollections, people will talk about their mother or their father. Sometimes a grandmother or grandfather. Who early in their childhood or in their adolescence, helped them to think of something that they hadn't considered before, to think of the possibility in life. And in that moment something opens up. Sometimes it's a teacher, an aunt, or uncle, a coach. Sometimes in later life its your spouse or partner. But at that moment the person says something or ask a question and you say, 'huh.' I hadn't thought of that. Wouldn't that be great. Sometimes it's through role modeling. You're watching your mother in a little bit of pain. Neighbor comes by and says, Barbara I need some help. So you straighten up. You watch her straighten and she smiles and sure, and goes and helps the neighbor. You say, wow, that's what it means to be a good person. I want to be like that when I grow up. So sometimes it's through questions they ask you or moments, sometimes it's through role modeling. Whichever it is, in that moment they are opening up a possibility of a different future. And it is that which starts to become, either in terms of something you might do, something you might become or some virtues or values you may emulate in your behavior, it starts to become a part of a vision for a future you would love to have. Now, how does that fit into the change process? In 1967, when I was just coming out of working as a research aerospace engineer for a company in California, going back to school -- I had a couple courses to finish in my degree -- I was profoundly struck by the fact that after 6 and a half months of, you know, working in the space program, which was very exciting on one level but In those days, 1966-67, this was before computer graphics, so as the lowest- status, research engineer on the group, I was spending a lot of time, putting lines on graph paper, doing a lot of programming. It became very clear to me that there was no way in the world I wanted to continue to do that for the rest of my life. My parents were immigrants from Greece All of my extended family on this side of the Atlantic whereas most Greek immigrants, in that era in New York, were in the restaurant business, and I knew I didn't want to do that, go back to the restaurant business. Which I'd spent quite a few summers in. And it dawned on me that maybe what I could do is go into management. At the time I figured it's got to be easy. Look at these idiots we have at this research unit in this company[lll]. I was surprised at how little they got out of the people that were working there. I took a course in the management school at MIT, where I was finishing my aeronautics, astronautics degree. And it was on organizational behavior. Which was in an area I had never really thought of. And one of these odd moments I signed up for it because it was in management and the, the instructor, the faculty member at the time said he wasn't going to have any tests. So it, it strikes me that sometimes moments of decision that make a huge impact in our lives happen on some of the oddest criteria. That fellow, Dave Cole, continued to be a lifelong friend and colleague. And his office is two doors down from mine at Case Western Reserve University right now. But what happened in that process is as I explored what I wanted to study, which was how managers helped our didn't help their subordinates. He had been collecting some data. On whether not graduate student on [UNKNOWN] would changing in their behavior not just their thoughts, so i joined him in the process, we started working our theory, it called self directed behavior change.Years later I continue to work on the theory its bee going through number of modifications now I call them intentional change there. What I'd like to do is review the key elements in this theory [COUGH] as a way to give you the basis for us then interpreting the exercise that you just went through. And in this theory, what we're basically articulating and have been writing about and publishing research for the past 44 years. Is that when people, change in a sustainable way, that means that they change an it sticks. The person goes through this, in a discontinuous fashion, that we call it Complexity Theory, or we're using Complexity Theory, used to be called Chaos Theory, or even earlier in the, in the 70's, Catastrophe Theory. But what it says as a concept is that when we change we don’t do it as a smooth linear fashion. Some days we change a bit, some days we don’t change at all, some days we go back. If any of you have ever wrestled with weight issues or tried to cut back on cigarette smoking or some of these behavioral. Chemical addictions you'll appreciate the fact that you don't lose weight, you don't smoke a half a cigarette less each day. It goes in what's called fits and starts. These and complexity theory terms are called moments of emergence. Actually the way we experience them is they're kind of epiphanies. They're like oh my God moments. If they're really big. That means that most of the time when we change in sustainable ways, we're doing it through a discontinuous process. And like I said before, most of the time it's not linear. So that means that we have to use a certain amount of patience. But when I, and colleagues at other universities in different parts of the world, who are engaged in this kind of Long-term longitude in the research, look at the data, we realize that there is a pattern of these moments of emergence or discovery and there seem to be about five of them that are always present when people sustainably change. And they are first, is the ideal self. As we just talked about in the exercise where, all of a sudden, you get a glimmer of the possibility of what you might do in life. Or the kind of person you'd like to be. And sometimes the discovery doesn't involve a change. It might be some part of yourself that you really enjoy, other people cherish. And you want to maintain. If you have some glimmer of this, you've reached the first discovery. If you don't, you're on a random walk to sustainable change, and in human behavior, randomness follows a power curve, not a normal distribution, which means randomness is not 50%. Or a flip of a coin it's more like 5 or 10%. If you have the first discovery you're eligible for the second. And the second really is where you're getting data feedback ideas about how you're coming across to others, what I call the Real Self, and you're comparing it to the ideal. So you come up with a personal balance sheet. What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses or those things that I do that or don't do that get in the way. If you have what we often refer to as the personal balance sheet you are eligible for the third, which is a learning agenda. How do I want to explore some changes or some maintenance of something I enjoy. In the future. This, by the way, is not a performance improvement plan, I'll get back to why in a moment. The fourth discovery is that a practicing, of experimenting and practicing, and and here it says as a leader, but it could be with any thought, feelings, actions, perceptions, attitudes. And the fifth discovery is the establishment of these trusting, resonant relationships. Because we have to drive this process ourselves. Somebody can't do it for us but we can't do it alone. We need those relationships. [MUSIC]
