Using punishment with children is very familiar and common. The topic of punishment is extremely interesting because it is a part of everyday life. It can help but also harm children. The use of various forms of punishment is controversial and there's a great deal of scientific research on when and how to use punishment to change child behavior. Consequently, there are a couple of videos in this series on punishment and its effects on children. This video is on a punishment technique referred to as time out. As most of the topics of this series, you will have heard about the concept and may even use a time out regularly at home. Yet time out is rarely used in a way that would make it effective. Let us go through the procedure, what it is, and is not, and how to make it really work. What is time out? The full term is time out from reinforcement and that describes the procedure. Time out consists of a brief period of time in which the child does not have access to the usual rewards in the situation, that is reinforcement which is a more technical term for rewards. Time out is a break from the attention and the rewards that are available. The usual rewards could be just being in the presence of others, receiving parent, teacher or peer attention, or participating in some activity or game that is going on. After engaging in some unwanted behavior, the child is required to go to time out. While taking this time out, the child cannot participate in activities and is not engaging in any conversation with anyone. Many parents consider time out as a period of time in which the child should think about what he or she has done. That actually has nothing to do with time out at all. Thinking about what one has done is fine. It's just that it's not related to how the procedure works or why it is effective, and more generally thinking about something is usually not a way to build habits or change behavior. Of course I'm not against thinking. I've even tried it once or twice myself. The goal of these videos is to change and develop child behavior. The critical feature for time out is a brief and temporary period of time without access to what is going on in the current situation. The most common form of time out in the home, is having a child go to his or her room or sitting in a safe place like at the kitchen table, or the bottom stair of a staircase in the home, or being in any place where the child can be let alone but is safe and can be supervised. During time out, there is no talking or playing with the child. One does not have to exclude the child so they are placed in a special room. If the child can stay in a room where the behavior occurred and not be involved in any activity for a brief period that is time out also. For example, if the child is playing a game or playing a video, time out could be stopping or taking with the game for a brief period. The idea is that during this brief period the child is away from enjoyable or routine activities. That is why going to one's room may or may not be the best form of time out. In one's room, there may be all sorts of enjoyable activities, play with toys, or a video game, or even watching TV. Ideally, time out would be spending time in a place that is not very interesting or is even boring. You decide that part. Sitting somewhere in the home where there is not access to activities is the better procedure. In elementary schools, time out sometimes consists of a brief period where the child is sent outside the classroom and must stand in the hall. That is well-intended but in the hall there may be many interesting things, like other children or teachers passing by, or it may be interesting to listen on what's going on in the other classes. This is not a time out if the rewarding events are possible during that time. There are five ingredients for using time out. First, decide exactly what behavior will serve as the basis for asking the child to go to time out. It is important that the child know in advance what the behaviors are that will lead to time out. This can be one or more different behaviors. Just be explicit about what the behaviors are. As usual it is helpful to write down exactly what the behaviors are, so it is clear to you and the child. Step two, decide what will be used this time out. This could be a place like the child's room, sitting in a corner, sitting on a chair or a couch. Anything that is not interesting and part of activities as I mentioned. Step three, decide how long time out will be and be brief. This is very difficult for parents to do but 1 to 10 minutes will get all the benefits. Even here 10 minutes is really not any better than five minutes when it comes to actually changing child behavior. This is hard to believe but the research shows that more or longer time out is not more effective. If you think 20 minutes is great and 45 minutes would even be better. This is not true. In fact two to five minutes maximum of 10 would all be equally effective. I will say more about this in a minute. Four, have a back up punishing event. By backup punishing event I mean something that your child would lose if he or she does not go to time out when you ask. For example, you might say to your child, "You hit your sister. You have to take a time out. Go to your room for five minutes. I will come and get you when five minutes is over." What if your child does not go to time out and even says, "No I'm not going." You say very calmly, "If you do not have time out now you will lose a privilege." It is important that you have a backup penalty. Usually this is a loss of some privilege and that will work fine. Your child does not go immediately to time out and you say, "You have a choice. You can go to time now for five minutes or you will not be able to watch TV tonight." Do not argue. Do not say any more and then within the next 30 seconds or so if the child does not go to time out you say, "Okay, tonight you cannot watch TV." Then walk away. Do not get into any argument. If a child goes to time out now, at this time it's too late. It is critical not to argue and just walk away. Fifth step, finally explain all of this to your child when everyone is calm. You explain the behavior. Where the time out place is, and what the backup privilege is. It is even a good idea to practice going to time out when the child is not being punished. When everyone is calm maybe on a Saturday morning, I recommend you go to the child and say, "Let us just practice going to time out just to see how it works." Say, "OK, pretend you've done something,give an example and I say, "OK, you have to go to time out for five minutes. Now let's walk together to time out." and you sit down. Pretend five minutes is up. "OK, time out is over." If you do this practice, praise the child for going to time out and sitting down and doing what you wanted even though it's just practice. That will increase compliance when time out is actually used for real. Here are the steps again if you would like to try this at home. Consider this a practice assignment. If you are using time out already, this will help because it will add some nuances that really influence how effective it is. First, decide the behavior that warrants a time out. It is useful to write that down just so it is really clear both to you and your child. Second, decide what location will be used as time out. This could be sitting in a corner or on a chair or a couch without anything to do. Third, decide how long time out will be. Be brief. I suggest five minutes as a maximum. More is not better or more effective. Fourth, have a backup punishing event if the child refuses to go to time out. I suggest loss of TV or video games for one evening but nothing more than 24 hours. You are a better judge of what would be good to use here. With the loss of a privilege, more is not better. Take away a privilege for an evening or a day but not more. Also take away something immediate not something that is next weekend or a few days from now. Better to take away something for tonight or today than some activity on the weekend. Fifth, explain all of this to your child when everyone is calm. While not explicitly stated here in these steps, you should always remember to keep an active eye on the positive opposite behavior as well. Circle back to step one. What behaviors warrant time out that you would like to decrease in your child? What are the positive opposites of those behaviors? It is important to make note of that so you can praise it as much as you can. There are two common practices that really make time out ineffective and once you use these it's downhill fast so don't do these. Do not physically force your child to go to time out. Physical force would be grabbing the child by the arm, walking him- kind of forcing him to go there, taking him there, in some cases even lifting the child up. Physical coercion during a time out should not be used because if you do that it is very likely you will be hit by the child resisting and flailing his arms. This is the standard reaction. Physical contact during punishment with a child is likely to lead to aggression, more oppositional behavior, crying and tantrums right then and there. This is likely to make you furious and even stronger and your use of force. We are way beyond the benefits of a calm time out. The situation has escalated and got out of hand. In short, no physical force in using time. Second, do not lock the child in the room for time out. You might say if I don't lock the other room he will come out of the room and not stay in time out. Locking leads to escalation of aggressive behavior, crying, and tantrums. The child is likely to try to get out because that is a pretty normal human reaction of being locked in any place. There is likely to be screaming and banging the door all made worse because of locking the door. If the child comes out, take away a privilege and walk away. You could give a warning, if you do not go back into the room right now, you will lose TV tonight but locking is not the answer. It is almost guaranteed to raise new behavior problems. A hard part for parents in all of this is walking away. If you are getting angry or frustrated that is really understandable. Send the child to time out or take away a privilege and then walk away. That is easier said than done. We actually have parents practice walking away at this time so they do not get into arguments. We pretend to argue and be an annoying child while the parent practises walking away. It's very difficult to do. The most important guideline in using time out I have saved for the last and I have done that because it's the least well known and requires a bit of an explanation. The effectiveness of time out depends heavily on what is being done to develop positive behavior when the child's not in time out. For example, let's say your child was very mad and started swearing at you. You do not want the child to swear and you told him that swearing would lead to time out. He swears again and you tell him that. He has to go to time out and he goes. That it's fine but by itself that will not have much impact on swearing in the future. Punishment whether time out, loss of privilege, reprimand, or something even more severe does not develop the positive behaviors you wish. You want the child not to swear even when he gets mad or upset. Time out can temporarily suppress behavior but does not teach the appropriate behavior or teach those habits you want to develop in the child. The general rule is getting rid of behavior does not automatically mean that the behavior you want is more likely. The behavior you wish to eliminate comes up again and again unless you train the child to engage in other alternative behaviors. Coming up again and again is why parents say if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times. That's normal because if you're not developing behavior you'll have to say it 2,000 times. Said another way. The effectiveness of time out depends on what you are doing to develop the positive behavior you wish. This is unfamiliar and is referred to as time in. What exactly is time in? I thought you'd never ask. Time in refers to what a parent is doing to develop the positive behavior when the child is not in time out. If you send your child to time out for swearing, time in would be praising the child at other times when he's not swearing. Maybe he gets mad or looks upset and you jump in and say, "You just got upset and did not even swear. That's really great." Do this just for a week or two and that will be the time in that completely makes a difference. Another example, if you send your child to time out for not doing what you ask, time in would be praising the child at other times when she does what you asked. It is natural to neglect the good behavior you see. Our brains are hard wired to pick out what is annoying and bothersome and negative in the world. Yet if you are punishing behavior it is absolutely essential to praise the positive opposite or the behavior you want to develop. Many parents believe that when your child has done something you want to eliminate, something horrible, something you want to get rid of, this is a teachable moment. Not really. It's an intense moment, it's a clear moment but is not the time to teach. For example, when someone is drowning that's not the time to teach them how to swim. The best teaching occurs when conditions are calm and with repeated practice. Teach someone how to swim and handle themselves in the pool and that is the way to help someone so they are less likely to drown. Teaching focuses on practicing the desired behavior repeatedly and the moment something is at a crisis or dramatic is not especially useful unless there's repeated practice of the behavior. Time in is praising the desired behavior you want to get and getting that repeated practice. I mentioned at the beginning of this video and other videos that many of the tools I'm discussing are familiar but how they are used and how to make them effective is much less familiar. Here's a great example. Most of us know about time out but the effects of time out depend very heavily on time in. A separate video is on the topic of developing positive opposites. This is really relevant here because time in refers to the period in which you are actually reinforcing positive opposites; the behaviors you want to see in the child. There are some questions and concerns when someone talks about time out and let me cover the most common ones. First question, so is time out really effective? It depends completely on how it is done. If you are just isolating a child for a while for inappropriate behavior that's unlikely to work at all. To change behavior it's time in. Time in is what's critical and when reinforcing the positive opposite time out can help a lot. The second question, why am I recommending brief time out? Well, the research is clear on this. Brief time out of a few minutes is as effective as any longer period. My all time out does the trick and is all that is needed. Understandably parents have difficulty in a punishment that seems so mild and not equal to the crime. Parents often want a punishment that seems proportional to what the child has actually done and they want to teach justice and in making sure punishment match the crime and they want to teach about being fair. All very reasonable. Consider this example, your child has just shattered an heirloom pottery Cup. This cup was made by one of your relatives many generations ago. The heirloom was passed down from generation to generation. Beginning with a distant relative that was married to one of your great great great great Neanderthal whatever uncle. Now you have this heirloom cup your child drops a basketball on this cup and it is now completely shattered. When you see the cup that's shattered, you are not likely to listen to a psychologist who says, "Oh two minutes of time out. That should do the trick." You feel strongly that something more than a few minutes of time out is needed here to match the crime. Yet out of frustration I have seen extremes of time out. Three hours of time out. Couple of times I've seen 24 hours where a child was placed in time out in his room where the parents slid meals under the door, or opened the door briefly to put in food. We want brief time outs not only because they are effective but because we want the child back in the regular situation, so the family peers and so on can reinforce positive behavior. In this case the positive behaviors are being careful with delicate things and not playing basketball in the house. This video is about changing child behavior, but as parents we have other goals too. Just to be clear in terms of changing behavior, a brief time out is fine. Same is true about taking away a privilege. Take away a privilege for one day not a week or two. In most of these videos, I talk about one tool to change behavior. I present them separately to put in your behavior change toolkit. Time out as a good example where two tools need to be used together. Time out and developing positive opposites. Developing positive opposites is what one does in the time in periods. These two tools go together but only developing positive opposites is the one actually teaches the new behavior. Said another way, emphasize time in. What is being done to obtain the behaviors is critical. There's no formula for this but here's a guideline. Try to be sure that you reinforce the positive opposite four or five times more often then you punish behavior leading to time out. In general, the ratio should be more times that you praise the positive opposite behavior than you punish the behavior you want to eliminate. If you are administering time out four or five times a day, that usually means the positive opposite is not being praised very often. Let me summarize. We have covered a time out and how to make it effective. Time out is a very interesting technique because the version that is filtered out to the public is a version that is not likely to work very well. Some of the key features we have discussed that are not usually mentioned are being very calm and using no physical force when you give a time out. Making sure time out is brief, having a backup penalty if the child does not go to time out, and avoid arguing when administering time out. The key feature of the procedure, praise the positive opposite behavior. The most novel part of what we've discussed today is time in. Praising the behavior you wish when the child is not in time out. Time out has been used extensively in the home, in the classroom and is a great tool when combined with developing the positive opposite. In your behavior change toolkit, this video combines two tools to help you develop the behaviors you wish in your child. We will have more tools in other videos.
