In terms of reception, we've already talked about how important it is to decipher what people are saying when they talk about facts, their attitudes and their positions, and their underlying emotions. And I guess what's left to talk about is needs. But I have a sense like we've been talking about needs and learning about needs throughout the course up until now. >> That's very true. Needs is such a central concept in SSLD. I guess what we may want to focus on now within this context, when we're talking about reception, how we can be more effective in understanding the other person. what this other person is trying to communicate, is to ask the question, how do we find out about it? One of the things, of course, is if the person is telling us what he or she needs. Sometimes people confuse what they want with what they need, like we have been through these examples before. I want to have a luxurious designer item, but I don't really need that. I actually need self-esteem and affiliation, social approval, acceptance. So when we're trying to figure out what the other person needs, one of the things is to look at what this person is trying to achieve and infer from that. Say for example, people come to university to do graduate degrees. What do they need? What are they trying to accomplish? And, actually people come to do the same thing for very different reasons. Some people may be driven by a need for achievement. Some people actually didn't know what to do under the socially acceptable arrangement for them to do nothing and figure things out. Some people come to graduate school because their boyfriend or girlfriend is here. [LAUGH] And then some people have very clear career objectives. So we have all sorts of people apparently doing the same thing but needing different things. Very often, when we want to figure out what another person needs is to ask the question, what would make you feel better? This is actually a very helpful question that we encourage people in couple counselling to ask. Sometimes couples got stuck in a situation and then you have one person being very emotional or depressed or angry, and the person is not trying to be nasty to another person. He or she has difficulty in even understanding his or her own needs, so instead of asking, so what's that you want from me? We ask, honey, what will make you feel better, right? So that is a different way of trying to get what people's needs might be. And the other thing of course is that you can infer by the person's complaint. If someone is like, I'm trapped here, bored to death, so this person might need activity, stimulation, happenings, something out of his boring routine. So that is, by looking at what one is complaining, we infer what the person's needs may be. And then there is also, people are telling us about what they are afraid of. And when they're afraid of something, it can be a fear of flying or afraid to take chance, or people with severe social anxiety. So when you get to that situation, why are you so afraid? I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of embarrassment. And we reframe that, so what does a person who is afraid of embarrassment need? The person needs some assurance, some protection, some security and maybe a clear perception of the incremental steps that this person can take so that he or she can move from withdrawn, isolated position to gradually open up and build up relationship with other people. So that's another way to figure out what people's needs might be. And then sometimes you can actually find out about a person's need by looking at what this person is avoiding. In relationships, sometimes you think of certain people as this person is constantly avoiding commitment or avoiding intimacy. So when someone is avoiding intimacy or commitment, what does this person need? This person is avoiding commitment because this person need to have the options, need to have the freedom to change his mind or her mind. And to pursue spontaneous plans or spontaneous reactions, so there are certain things that are important or valuable with this person and this person doesn't want to be giving those up. So there is something that this person needs. And then we ask the question, why are those options so important? Does it pertain to sense of self or does it pertain to a sense of mastery and control over the world? Or is it a reaction against some early childhood trauma that makes this person feel insecure, in a sort of committed, tied-down situation? These are various ways that we use to try to figure out what another person's needs might be.
