[MUSIC] Hi Elizabeth, my name's Greg Shields, I'm one of the doctors here. Thank you for coming in. >> It's okay. >> Your daughter mentioned that she'd been a bit concerned about you recently. >> There's no need, I'm just wasting everybody's time. >> Okay, has she told you why she's worried about you? >> She doesn't think I'm coping terribly well. And yes, she says she's worried. >> What do you think? I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. >> What's been happening? >> My husband died at the beginning of the year. >> Sorry to hear that. >> Yes and it was a very big shock. That was, very unexpected. >> Okay, do you mind telling me what happened? >> I came home one day and I thought he was out. And then I went upstairs, and he was on the bathroom floor, collapsed and, I called an ambulance and they came, but he died. He'd had a stroke. >> Yeah, it must've been awful for you to find him like that. >> I keep thinking there was something I should've, if I'd have seen, if I'd have known, if I had have checked earlier. If I hadn't have gone out, I might have stopped it. >> Okay, is that something that goes around your head quite a lot? >> All the time, every day. All the time, remembering what happened. The last time we talked. If things had been different, perhaps I could have stopped this from happening. >> So you blame yourself for what happened? >> Yes, I do. >> Okay, and what's it been like for you since that time? >> Very difficult. I miss him. And, I'm quite isolated. But I like that now, I want to hide, I don't want to see people. >> Seems like you're quite sad at the moment, is that something you've been feeling quite a lot recently? >> I can't recall not feeling like this, no. >> Okay. >> It just goes on and on. >> Every day? >> All day, every day. >> Okay, so then does it get any better during the day, or does it get any worse? >> Worse is in the mornings and, It gets a bit better as the day goes on, and I feel better around early evening. >> Okay. How are you spending your days at the moment? >> In bed. I sleep a lot. >> During the daytime? >> Yeah. Yeah, I find it hard to do, I find it hard to do anything, other than the things I have to. I mean I pull myself together, if people come and visit, I'll make the effort. And, I can usually keep up a good front for about an hour. >> Okay. >> Yeah, I can be, maybe not like my old self, maybe not like I was, but I can do a good impression of that. >> Okay, it doesn't feel real to you? >> I find I can't wait for them to go. >> So you're spending a lot of your time during the day in bed, how about day-to-day things like cooking and cleaning and looking after yourself? >> No, the place is a mess. I'm quite ashamed, I'm ashamed actually. That's a change from what you would have been like before? >> Mm-hm, it's shocking really. Gary would be appalled if he could see this. The mess I have put myself into, the mess the house is in. This isn't like me. This isn't me. >> What sort of things would you like to do in the past? >> See my friends, horse riding, cooking, reading, watching television. >> You've been doing any of that at all? >> None of that, no, no. My friends, my friends call or leave messages. I don't always return the message. >> Do you cook at all anymore? >> Only if Claire or someone was coming to visit. Again, I'll pull myself together really, and make the effort. >> Have you been eating much? >> No. Pick at things, snacks maybe. >> No meals during the day? >> No. >> Do you feel hungry at all ever? >> No. >> Okay. You said things like reading, watching TV, do you think you would be able to do those things at the moment? >> I can't concentrate long enough. I can't. My brain, my mind. That's all I can think about. Or thinking something dreadful is going to happen. >> What do you mean by that? >> This feeling, a feeling inside me that something bad is gonna happen. And I would just worry about things like that. >> Is there anything in particular that you worry about? >> Well I'm ruining the farm. I am going to be declared bankrupt. One of my kids is gonna die. A bomb is going to drop or tornado, or you name it. And I never know, just something, it's as if something bad is gonna happen. And every time I hear the phone ring or, the post arriving, I dread it. It makes me feel, I don't want to know. because it's going to be bad news. >> Do you worry about your own health at all? >> No, no, I don't really care about my own health. >> When you think about the future, what do you have in mind for yourself? >> I don't think about the future. >> Okay, is it too difficult to think about the future? >> I can't. I can't think about the future. >> Okay. Have you ever been through a period like this before where you've felt sad everyday? >> I felt very, I felt very sad when my grandmother died when I was 14. I found that I was sad for a long time. And I remember thinking then it's a year since she died and I still feel so sad about that. Have you ever seen a doctor for mental health reasons at all in the past? >> No, never. >> Never taken any medication for mental health problems at all? >> No, no. >> Just want to come back to some of the things you're experiencing at the moment. Sometimes when people feeling really sad, really low, they might hear voices when there's no one around or see things that trouble them. Have you had anything like that at all? >> No. I talk to him. >> Do you? >> But no, I don't hear voices. >> Okay. And tell me, do you ever sort of get the sense that people are trying to hurt you or following you or talking about you behind your back, anything like that? >> No. >> Okay. >> They probably are. And probably, my kids are probably discussing me, When I'm not there. But no, I don't get any anything like that. >> Okay, you don't think strangers are talking about you in any way? >> Oh no, no, no. >> Or watching the TV, it doesn't feel like you're somehow being communicated with through the television or they're talking about you on TV? >> No. >> No? Do you ever get the sense that you're being controlled by anything or anyone? >> No. >> Or that your thoughts are somehow being interfered with, people putting thoughts in your head or taking them out of your head? Do you ever think that other people can read your thoughts at all? >> No, no. >> Do you have any medical problems at all? You mentioned blood pressure. What do you take for the blood pressure? >> Ramipril, verapamil. >> Do you know what dose you take? >> I think it's five milligrams. >> Any other medical problems at all? >> No. >> And ever had any serious medical problems in the past? >> As an adult no, no. I just had a few when I was born, there was problems. But of course that was as a baby. >> Okay. I might ask you, if it's okay, a little bit about your early life. And so you said you had some problem when you were a baby, what were they? >> I was born prematurely, only four weeks. But that caused some problems. I was underweight and I had jaundice. So I was in hospital for, I think it was only a couple of weeks. So I recovered and everything was fine. I was underweight for a while, but I don't think there were any long term problems as a result. >> Okay, and in terms of other aspects of your development, your, sort of, motor skills and social skills and that sort of thing, talking, walking, were there ever any concerns about that? >> No, no. >> Okay, and where were you born? >> Just outside of Cambridge. >> Okay. And were you aware of any problems with your mum's pregnancy or your birth at all other than being premature? >> That's all, just being premature. >> Okay, and who was in the house when you were young? >> There's my mum and dad, and there's my older brother. And then I've got two younger sisters and a younger brother. >> Okay. Are they all fit and well now? >> Generally, yes. My sister, the younger of the two, she is one of them. She has problems. I think she gets anxiety problems. And I think she takes medication for that. >> Okay. >> Yeah, yeah I think she does, actually. >> Are you aware of any other mental health problems in the family at all? >> My mum is probably depressed, when I think about it, she probably was. She was pretty moody but again, no one talked about it. >> Okay. >> We just got on with it, really. >> And what sort of work did your parents do? >> Well my mum didn't work. She looked after us. And my dad was a builder. >> Okay, and how were things at home when you were young? >> They were nice, they were good. I had a happy childhood. Yeah, everything was fine, school was fine, I wasn't naughty or rebellious, or anything. >> When did you finish school? >> Well, when I left school I then trained. I went to teacher training college and trained. So I left, I was probably 21 by the time I left. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> So you finished high school and then went on to teacher training college? >> Yeah, yeah. >> Okay. >> Yeah, I became a primary school teacher when I- >> And were there ever any problems at school like bullying or any issues with friends? Anything that stands out particularly? >> No, I had nice, good friends. I wasn't particularly bright or clever, I mean, I did alright. I struggled with arithmetic, maths wasn't my strong point. But I managed, I managed okay, I managed to get good enough results. And I was good at sport. And yeah, I had a good friendship circle. Yeah, it was fine. >> And after school, did you go into work as a teacher? >> Yeah, well into my 40s until I gave up and that was just so I could do more on the farm. >> Okay, and when did you meet your husband? >> I'd just left college, I think I was 22. He was a friend of a friend. Married when I was 24 and we moved. We moved to Devon pretty much within the year as soon as we got married. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> And how old are the children? >> My kids? >> Your kids, yeah. >> Claire's 36, Andrew's 33. >> Okay, do they live nearby? >> No, no they live in London, they both do but they live different parts of London. >> Okay, and is anyone with you on the farm at all? >> No, not now. >> You said that it's been difficult recently sort of having the motivation to see people. >> Yeah. >> Are you in contact with friends at all? >> Not like I used to be, no. They were really good. They were really kind when it all started but I guess I've not encouraged them to call and keep up contact. So no, I'm not seeing people very much at the moment. Not returning their messages. >> And how about your brothers and sisters? Are you in contact with them at all? >> No, we went all over the country, some in the north, different parts of the country. So I'm sort of in touch with them. I sort of see them. It's not that we don't get on, it's just that we have our separate lives and we're in touch, in touch. >> So who's your main support at the moment would you say? >> The horse, my horse. >> Okay, the horses are quite important to you? >> Very, that sounds so stupid. My daughter, of course, she rings. She's checking in with me a lot. >> That's good, so she calls you? >> Yes, yes. >> And if we went back say, sort of a year ago, how would you look different? What would be different about you? >> Everything. >> How do you think your friends would describe you? >> Chatty. Fun. Just yeah, just a good friend I hope. I think a good friend. >> And what would a normal day have been like, say a year ago? >> Well, this is a busy time of year for the farm so that would have taken most of my day. If there was something going on in the village I might pop in and see friend or keep up on top of the paperwork for the business. That would take up at least an hour of my day every day. >> So this is a big change for you? >> I don't recognise myself. >> And you mentioned about your concerns about the farm, how are you financially at the moment? >> Okay. >> Just going to ask you a few more general questions. Do you drink alcohol at all? >> Christmas, maybe, someone's birthday, but not generally, no. >> Have you ever been a heavier drinker? >> When I was a student, maybe, very social. >> Have you ever been through a period where you've been drinking every day at all? >> No, no. >> Okay, how about cigarettes? Are you a smoker at all? >> I'm not anymore. I gave up when I was 50. >> Okay, how many did you used to smoke a day? >> Gosh, about 15, 15 maybe. >> Okay. >> Yeah, excuse me, yeah. >> Do you remember what age it was that you starting smoking? Again, probably college. >> So early 20s? >> Yeah. >> And any other drug use at all in your life? >> Drug use? >> Anything not medications, but sort of illicit drugs or recreational drugs? >> No, no, no, no, no, nothing, nothing. >> Have you ever been in trouble with the police before? >> No. >> You someone who's ever sort of hurt anyone in any ways? >> Not intentionally hurt them. >> Not been involved in fights or? >> Oh no, no, no, no. >> Okay. >> No. >> I know that some people when they're feeling this low can sometimes think it's not worth living anymore. And sometimes people get thoughts about sort of ending their life, or hurting themselves in some way, has that been on your mind at all? >> Sometimes. >> Okay. What sort of things? >> It's. >> It's difficult to talk about? >> I just don't want to be a burden and sometimes I think it might be the best thing to do. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> Have you ever got to the point of thinking about how you would do it? >> I've thought about it, yeah. >> Do you mind telling me what's been on your mind? >> Well there are chemicals on the farm, it would be very easy to use them. >> Okay, have you done any research about that, have you looked anything up on the Internet or? >> No. No, I haven't. >> Have you made any plans to do anything? >> No. It's just, the thought of just not feeling like this anymore is a nice thought. >> Okay. >> It's a comforting thought. >> So it hasn't become a plan to do anything, but thinking about it sometimes feels reassuring? >> Yeah, yeah. >> Do you think you would take the step of doing something like that? >> I honestly don't know. >> Okay. >> I don't think so, I don't want to hurt people and cause them pain, that will. When I'm really, really struggling I stop thinking about them. >> Okay. In those times what do you think might stop you from doing something like this? >> Changing, I don't know. Letting the moment pass you know, just going with that, well sit it out and wait until it goes. >> Okay. Have you ever done anything to hurt yourself in the past at all? >> No, no. >> Have you ever got to the stage of writing a note, or preparing a will, with this in mind? >> I did write a note when I was a teenager. I did, I wrote a suicide note. I never gave it to anybody and I never did anything. But I did, yeah, 15 I think I was, yeah. >> And you mentioned having some chemicals on the farm. Have you done anything more in preparation like gone and had a look how much chemicals you have left, or kept any aside, or anything like that? >> No, because it's always well stocked and the manager will have made sure there is. I think just knowing it's there is enough, I've not ever checked it. >> Okay. >> I've not ever got that far.