We're going to talk about three of the 18 skills that Sheryl Sandberg's exemplary life so far illustrates for us. Even though, she as you can probably tell by now, like all of the subjects of our course demonstrates and have learned all of the skills that are our focus. So the three that we're going to focus on with respect to Sandberg story are: her ability to convey her values through real stories of her life, to build supportive networks, and to resolve conflicts among the different parts of her life. She talks about important events that have occurred to her for the purpose of illustrating what she cares about, what she stands for, what she believes in. And she was able to do that in Lean In. In a way that revealed aspects of her experience, some of which were quite painful but brought people closer to her. That vulnerability and telling real stories of where you've come from leads other people to want to know more about you and to feel trusting especially when you speak about difficult experiences, where you have struggled and somehow gotten through. People relate to those stories because everybody experiences that. Everyone has disappointment, tragedy in their lives. And when you speak about how you have experienced that, other people can see you more as a human being just like them. So her vulnerability helps her to be a more relatable role model than if she were to just tell all of the glorious achievements of her life and career. Now after Dave Goldberg's death, her story about that experience and what she has done to cope and learn about resilience she's writing about that in Option B. And taking the stories of her experience in dealing with this tragedy, to not only clarify what she has discovered but to share it with other people. And once again, using her life experience and research together to convey a set of ideas that help other people. The difficult part for her as it is for all of us, is to get past the feeling of inhibition that many of us feel in revealing aspects of who we are. And so, that is the practice and I'll give you some ideas about how to do that in just a minute but let me just tell you one more story from her experience that she's talked about. And this has to do with the confidence gap which is really in some ways the essence of what her message is in Lean In : closing the confidence gap between men and women. She tells a story of, in college studying for an exam with her roommate, and her younger brother. And the roommate has, I think it's history and philosophy. The roommate has studied in both English and Latin, attended every lecture, and Sheryl herself has read the material in English, has attended the lectures and the brother apparently, read some of the material and occasionally checked in on the lectures. And as they are, you know de-briefing after the exam, the roommate is anxious and regretful, and she's worried thinking you know, " I think I missed the main points of the arguments, and oh I don't know how I'm going to do on this. " And her brother was like," I aced it, no problem. " And when she tells that story, better than I probably just did because it's real for her. What comes across is the people laugh. Women laugh at that story because they get it, they understand. Here is the difference between men and women encapsulated. And it really helps her to drive home what needs to change and to help women in the audience see that, "Well, what would you do if you weren't afraid?" That is her persistent question to women all over the world. What you can do to develop your capacity to tell stories in a way that brings other people closer to you, is not that complicated. Sheryl Sandberg was a real person a ''Mensch'' as her mother referred to her in my conversation with her mother. Due to her ability to connect. So to strengthen your ability to connect through telling real stories, just think of your own history. Takes some time. Doesn't take long to think back over your own life history, and recount the three or four critical episodes. What some psychologists call crucible experiences, because you pass through them and you are changed. What were those events, those episodes in your own life history that caused you to see yourself and your world differently? Especially valuable are those stories where you met adversity, you hit resistance. You were trying to get something done, some goal achieved but you ran into something whether inside of you or in the world around you, that stopped you. That struggle, that tension, that's at the heart of all the stories that that we love throughout history. Novels, movies etc.. The protagonist meeting some kind of block. So what has happened to you in your own experience? How did you deal with that difficulty and how did it shape you? So now, once you've thought of a few of those, think about who you could tell them to, or just choose one. Who could you tell that story to for the purpose of mainly learning something about your skill as a storyteller? So here's what I recommend. Find a couple of people to tell that story to and then, ask them what their reaction is. How did they feel as they listened to that story? What did they think about what you were conveying and the message in that story? What did they learn about you and what you stand for? The second skill I want to address and bring to light in Sandberg's story is building supportive networks. She is able to connect people, and to connect people in ways that they gain from the connection and she does. Whenever you connect two people or two groups, they both gain value and they appreciate the fact that you've done that and they want to reciprocate in kind over time. And of course, all of us need the support of other people to achieve the goals that really matter to us in the different parts of our lives. Leading the life you want is not an individual activity. It is a social activity. And it happens in the social world. So building supportive networks is crucial. She has tapped into networks that enabled her to advance her career goals and get support for initiatives that matter to her beyond her work. And she's been able to help other people by connecting them to each other. A really good example of building that reputation as being someone who is trustworthy because she's trying to do good for other people by bringing them together, was just arriving-- when she arrived at Facebook, open office people had access to her. They saw her as someone who was interested in learning about them. And then, not too long after, the formation of The Women of Silicon Valley. Where she brings people together. They learn from each other. They help each other, they provide resources and support, and encouragement, and on occasion they do fund raising for causes that they care about. So this has become an important vehicle for the development of resources for particular causes in addition to enriching these relationships. Other people are going to be much more likely to want to help you, if they see that what you're doing is helping other people by connecting them to others who can advance their goals. Your reputation as someone who is trustworthy is based in large part, on the basis of whether other people see you as advancing your own personal selfish goals versus trying to help others and move in a direction that's going to create value for society. For other people. And Sandberg's life and work represents that really well. Now how can you build your skill in building supportive networks? Here's something that you might try, not too complicated but it does take a bit of investment. I hope you'll consider trying this. List the names of three to five people. Leave it at three, just for starters. Who matter much to you in the different parts of your life your work, your home and your community. Just think of three people who matter to you. And why they're important to you, and to your future? What it is that they provide for you, or could provide for you in the future? And what it is that you provide for them. Why do they matter? These are people who have a stake in your future. Your stakeholders. Now, take another few minutes about each one and think about, what can you do, for each one of these people that would help them? And would build their a sense of trust in you as someone who is indeed interested in trying to help them? Now, what if you don't know what you can do to help them? What if you just haven't thought about that? What can you do? Well, you can inquire directly, "Hey, what's happening with you that-- what are you working on? What's current in your world that's important to you? Where you need help? That I could be helpful." So that's simple enough but maybe it's someone who is far away from you socially. Might be hard for you to reach directly. Someone who is higher up in an organization for example. What could you do them? Well, you might try to find out who knows those people, that person, and who knows what is important to them and then see if you can try to provide it. I hear this a lot, particularly with students thinking, "Well, there's no way that I can help this CEO or a division chief because you know, what would they--. I'm just 25 years old and they don't even know who I am." And it's often a nice surprise to discover that you have unique perspective on the world as a young person, that somebody who is like my age wouldn't have. And would benefit from knowing from my work. So, finding out what it is that I'm interested in, either by reading about me or talking to people who do know me and then sharing with me, information that informs me. Well, that's a way for you to help me and to build connection. So, those are some ideas for things that you can do to create value for other people. And to think about how further-- the next step would be well, who in your world can you connect to other people that you know that don't know each other, in ways that would be easy for you to make that connection, and cost you very little but benefit the other parties? Thinking about those opportunities, and then trying your hand at actually doing that if it's something that you're not in the habit of doing, is a worthwhile exercise and be really interesting to hear from you, about what it is that you discover when you do that. The third skill that Sandberg exemplifies so well is, resolving conflicts among domains. Seeking creative solutions not assuming that there is conflict among and between the different parts of life. Not assuming that you have to sacrifice one part of your life in order to gain value or success in the other. Looking for opportunities to make things better and good in all the different parts. Looking for the wins. What I call the four way wins at work, at home, in the community and for yourself. That is the skill here. It's mainly a mindset of looking for opportunities to make things better in all the different parts and not assuming that it has to be a trade off although of course sacrifices are sometimes needed. And you can't have everything all at once and never have I ever seen anyone who is in perfect balance among all the different parts of their lives. It's an ongoing negotiation and creative experimentation. And what the people who we are learning about in our course have done, is to think about creating harmony over the course of their lives and Sheryl Sandberg's story is a great example of that. The relationship that she had with Dave Goldberg was her husband was famously 50/50. In other words, they shared in responsibility for their family and their two young kids. They were both high level C-suite executives of major tech companies. So they had lots and lots of demands on their time from the work perspective but they were committed to having a partnership which was crucial. And of course it's crucial for all of us to be able to make all this work, is to have a real partner in our life partner spouse. And they really did do that, took that idea seriously but it's not easy. And you know there's often of course bumps in the road. The key to the success of their relationship and their ability to make it work was not just the billions of dollars that they have. Of course that helps. It was because ultimately, no matter how much money you have still, someone's got to be there for dinner or not. And those are choices that are negotiated. And that was as she told me the essence of what made it so good. They talked and they negotiated and sometimes she got, you know more time to devote to her work and sometimes eat it. And that again waxes and wanes over time. The idea is to be thinking about well, where is there-- where are there ways for us to be providing mutual support over the course of time so that we both feel like it's fair? And that we're both engaged in helping each other to create the world we want to create. So how can you learn to do this better? Well, first you got to think flexible. Flexibility, creativity is an important theme here and indeed it's the essence of this third principle of being innovative, is acting with creativity. How you think about what's possible determines what is possible. So framing options, possibilities as potential gains rather than losses helps you to think more creatively. So, all demands on you can be thought of, try this out as a source of nourishment because it forces you to think about well what are some ways that I could be designing changes that would enable me to make things better in the different parts of my life? This is what I call four-way thinking. So identify a conflict. Think of something that's happening right now in your life that is a conflict between your work, or your career, or school, and your home or your family life. What would you have to do? What could you do that's within your control? Use your imagination here. What could-- what action could you take that would make things better for your family life as well as your home life? Is there something that you could do that would improve your relationships with your family and your performance at work? Just entertain that question. That's the heart of this idea. Is to not assume that they're in conflict and intention but rather to imagine. Well, let's assume that instead of being at war with each other these different parts of my life but they are allies. Now how can I construe this aspect of my work in such a way that it is helpful to me and my family? So let's say you've got kids. They're teenagers and you're a middle manager in a company and they look at you and they think, "You're a pun of some larger set of forces that I don't agree with. You are a corporate tool dad and you should be thinking more about you know, the greater benefits of the world and do something that's more useful than what you do with your life." Teenagers all want to think that way about their parents. Maybe yours don't. I don't know. But, let's just say that's the scenario. And you of course, think of yourself differently. Maybe there is some way in which what you're doing at work, like mentoring people or helping one of the people who works for you who's got some kind of disability, or a problem with his family that you were able to help them with. Perhaps there is something that you could do there. Tell your kids about that scenario. Just, "Hey, there's this one of my co-workers, was having a problem. Here's what we did here is what I did. And things are a little bit better now." That might shift how your kids think about you. And it probably will change how you think about what you're doing at work. Well, that's just one small example. Perhaps you can think of others that are more directly relevant for your own life. Where are there opportunities for you to make small changes? And this was a teeny tiny change. It was really just thinking about something differently and talking about it differently that enable you to see where there is value that you're bringing to your family from your work and vice versa. And in all the different parts. Alright. Let's let's wrap up our analysis of Sheryl Sandberg's skills. She has grappled with the question, what would you do if you're not afraid? And in her revealing and instructive powerful book, she's given us a wonderful example of a four-way win. What she's working on next in the next book project, is another instance of taking her real experience, bringing to be a research from experts and sharing that story and that research to help people be more resilient and deal with tragedy in their lives. She is a new kind of executive leading a full life and quite openly. It's not either or, for her. It's both and. Of course, she has felt guilt about the tensions between her role as a mother, for example and her roles as an executive. And she has adapted, and changed, and learned, and got support, told those stories to help other people see what she's wrestling with so that she could help them. Building and drawing support from people around her and continually looking for ways to find success in the different parts by not always having to sacrifice. She learned how to teach from experiences in her life and it didn't happen by magic and it wasn't always that way in her youth. She has developed these skills over the course of her life. And so becomes a model for us. As someone who is shaping her life by using stories to teach, building supportive networks, and creatively seeking conflict resolution to find harmony among the different parts of her life. So let's now turn to Eric Greitens who is currently the governor of Missouri, and the skills that he exemplifies best.
