[MUSIC] In this lesson we're going to begin a two part review of the Thought Model and why it is such an important tool for you to use and understand as a manager and coach. In part one of this lesson, we'll talk about the first three elements of the Thought Model. Circumstance, thought, and feeling. In the next video, Part 2, we'll talk about how these three elements of the Thought Model influence our actions and ultimately our results. The first step in the thought model is something we call circumstances. So things happen in the world everyday that we can't control. We get stuck in traffic, we have good or bad weather, we have meetings with people at work, we work with certain people, people say things to us, people do things, those are all circumstances. These are things that we can prove happened. They are provable facts. So I can prove that you were in a meeting with me. I can prove that during the meeting John interrupted me. I can prove that there was traffic today. These are all things that are provable, so they are based in fact. And we all have them and we all have things that happen that we can't control. Now what happens for most of us is most of us are raised to believe this is just social common understanding and belief systems, is that things that happen in the world drive how we feel. If I get caught in traffic this morning, I might feel nervous. If I get stuck in rainy weather, I might feel depressed. If I have to work with John on a project, he makes me so annoyed. If I have to work with Lucy on a traveling trip, I get so irritated. Meeting with my boss makes me really anxious, so what we do is we attribute the circumstance to how we feel. Now the reason that we know that circumstances do not drive our feelings is because we don't all have the same feeling for the the same circumstance. So if you take traffic for example, there could be three people sitting in traffic who are really nervous. And there could be three people sitting in traffic who are totally relaxed, what's the difference? Now some people would say well one's going to be late and the other one isn't. Being late makes them nervous. Well we're going to talk about that that's actually not true. There could be some people who work with John who were totally annoyed. And other people who work with John who think it's really fun and he's great and awesome and funny. There could be some people who work with your boss and don't feel anxious at all. They feel inspired. Well, what drives how we feel is what we think about our circumstance. So, things happen in the world and then we define those experiences with our mind. We tell ourselves what circumstances mean with a thought which is really a sentence in your mind. So if I'm in traffic, I think, I'm going to be late. I feel nervous. If I'm in traffic, I think, good, I'm going to miss that ridiculous call I always have to go to on Tuesdays. I feel relaxed. If I work for this boss, I think he's really hard on me. He doesn't understand me. I feel anxious. If I work for this boss, I think, wow, he really does listen. I feel inspired. If I work with John I think that man talks, he never stops talking, I feel annoyed. If I work with John on this project and I think wow he has so much to contribute, he knows so much, I feel intrigued and curious. Here's the best news, we get to decide what we want to think. Human beings have an amazing capacity, unlike any other species on the planet that we know of, that we can actually recognize our mind thinking. So if I say to you right now, don't think about a polar bear. Oops, there it is, there's that polar bear. So you can notice that you have thoughts. So that also means that we can start to pay attention to the thoughts that we want to think on purpose. I refered to that in the previous lesson. We have up to 60,000 thoughts that fire in our brain every day. So this isn't about noticing everything we think, but it is about noticing those thoughts that may be getting in the way, that may be not as effective and may be actually leading to some results that we don't want to have. So, thoughts come after the circumstance. We define the circumstance in our mind with our thinking. What we think about drives how we feel. Now this is another area that I want to make sure I've really clarified because a lot of people believe that feelings come from other people or that feelings come from external experiences, but they don't. Feelings actually come from our own mind. So one of the examples I like to share about this was, several years ago, my son came home and he was really upset because his best friend at the time laughed at him and called him weird. And he was really sad and he said, I don't understand why he would say that to me. That's not very nice, and he's not a good friend. And I said, well, let's think about this. What if you went to school tomorrow, and he pointed at you again and laughed, haha haha, Ben you look so funny. Look at you hahaha. You and your purple hair. You look so funny. [LAUGH] And he looked at me and he laughed and he's like, mom, I don't have purple hair. And I said right. But when he called you weird you believed it. And that's why you have hurt feelings. It's not what he said that hurt you it's what you made it mean that drove how you feel. You know, we've heard that for so many years. Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote, no one can make you feel inferior with your consent, right? So how you feel actually comes from your own thinking about what's going on around you. Now this is really good news for a lot of people, because it gives you an opportunity to recognize that you have some authority over, and some control over, your emotions. That you don't just have to wait for things to change around you so that you can feel better. But I hope you can also see what happens to so many people is, if we believe that our circumstances drive how we feel so my job makes me miserable, my boss intimidates me, my marriage makes me unhappy. Or the other way to say that is people will say, I'm going to be happy once I get married, I'm going to be happy once I get divorced. I'm going to be successful once I work for that company. I'm going to be relaxed once I don't have this job anymore. We wait for our emotional health to improve, and we believe that the only way things will get better is if our circumstances change. And I know that's not true. Do I think that's easy? No. But as a manager, this is essential because things are going to be happening to you all day. Managing people is like drinking from a fire hose, man. You have stuff happening all day. And really, the cooler, the more dialed in you can get about this, that your emotions are your responsibility and not someone else's, the more effective you're always going to be as a manager and as a coach.
