Gabriella, I'm very happy that you can join us. I know that you have a lot of experience in teaching and consulting and coaching around the issues of communication. And, you do that with managers, leaders from many different countries. Mm-hm. I often have this impression when you talk with professionals about issues of communication that there is this sense of, “I can do this.” “This is easy,” Why do we even talk about this? Do you have that experience in this? Absolutely yes. It's one of the main obstacles to a certain extent. because everybody says, “I’ve been communicating since I was born,” A baby. “So, what's the issue with it?” It's something that I have by default. It's just a matter of being clear. It's just a matter of being clear. What it means to be clear, we may talk about this later on. It's not that clear what it means to be clear. To a certain extent, it's true we’ve been communicating since then. We also need to communicate. There is a lot of research in the neurosciences. It comes to my mind this book by Cozolino, The Social Brain, which basically tells us that we need interpersonal relationships, we need communication to develop as human beings. The brain is social. It needs interaction to really get out and fulfill its potential. The more we relate, the more we go through experiences, the more we get into relationships, the more “intelligent” we get. That's great. Communication makes us smarter. Absolutely. Absolutely. We’ve been communicating since then. And up to a certain extent, we communicate the way we do communicate because we are wired in a certain way. So communication, we have it by default, and we interpret it in a certain way because we are set up in a certain way. Personality. Think about personality. Think about attitudes. Think about attitudes. Attitudes may change over time, but actually they are so deeply ingrained in ourselves that we may even consider it something structural. The way that we're wired. The way that we're wired. Certainly, you see that you develop certain communication habits over time that seem so natural to you, so maybe you think that there is no other way to do it. Absolutely. It may be difficult to change sometimes. It may be difficult to change, but the good news is that we can change it. What we are makes up for more or less 30% of the way we communicate. We have this wonderful 70% that we can work on, we can work with, and actually, we should work with. Because we communicate since we were babies, but we can really find a way to become more and more effective if we take some time to think about it, and if we take some time to develop our communication skills. Take it seriously, just like any other professional skill that might—-. Absolutely. Communication is a tool for work. Communication is a tool for making things happen both individually and organizationally, and we really have to put some thought to it. What do you do then to learn to become more effective at it? Now, in other good news. Now, in other good news. As we have said, we can become more effective, and how do we do so? Well, by learning through experience. Mm-hm. So, what I'm saying is you learn to be more effective in communicating, the more you challenge yourself with interpersonal situations. Experience by itself doesn't make you learn. We really have to put some effort in it, and it's even nice to get out your potential, to learn to do something new. How do we learn to become more effective when communicating? Well, we have a lot of resources that we can activate, and we have to start from being really willing to put some effort in developing a new skill. Which means, first of all, to engage yourself in putting yourself out of your comfort zone so that you get in situations that you have not managed until then. That can help you, first of all, to become more self-aware, learn where you start from. Learn about some of your strengths And your limitations. And your limitations. Finding out these gaps that you may want to work on-. Mm-hm. To a certain extent leveraging on your strengths, but to the other extent working on what can make you even more effective. What this means is that you have also to accept that after a certain extent, you work on your strengths so you feel energetic, you feel comfortable in doing so. To another extent, you may want to develop a new set of behavioral skills that don’t necessarily start from your way of being, from your personality, from your innate strengths. Nevertheless, they can make you more effective. The more you practice them, the more you exercise them, the more effective you will become. So, again: new experiences that push you out of your comfort zone. new experiences that push you out of your comfort zone. and learning from what you're doing. Mm-hm. The other piece of it is to get feedback. Mm-hm. To accept it, if people are willing to give it to you, which may be hard, because it's not easy. And to look for it Because really knowing how you impact on other people starting from the point that we sometimes are not really aware of how we impact other people. So, sometimes we miss out opportunities for being more effective when communicating. If somebody tells you, well, this is a good starting point for making yourself more effective The third resource that we can activate is role models. We learn quite a lot from observing other people. Mm-hm. So, if you have a chance to focus on people that you think are interpreting their role in a very effective way, even if you're not going to get exactly their style, because you really have to start from yourself. You have to find your way to communicate in an effective way. Nevertheless, you can get inspiration from them, and really find new ways to get into other people. Yeah, okay. So, those three resources: new experiences, seeking feedback and taking it seriously and, and finding role models. Yeah. okay. Do you have role models? I look for them. I look for them. I actually learn a lot from role models, especially from people who are different from me. You deliberately go for the diversity see the range of- You deliberately go for the diversity see the range of- You deliberately go for the diversity see the range of- You deliberately go for the diversity see the range of- Interesting. I do that too actually look at comedians often. Because that's a very different kind of communication then what we do here and we're not comedians. Yeah, but you can pick some. You get the range of tools and techniques and all that. Developing is enlarging your behavioral kit. Yeah. and this is also fascinating because you can discover parts of yourself that you were not really aware of. And put them in action, or you can even learn to interpret the role, which makes you more effective in situations where you maybe need that. Okay. Where you need the comedian, maybe. Yeah. I think that's a great rollout metaphor for learning. Now, from your experience, are there areas, particular communication practices, that maybe people want to focus their attention and/or learning on? Yeah. So the very first one; I talk about it as the first one, also because I think it's probably the most challenging one. Because it doesn’t have to do with techniques. It doesn’t have to do with things that you may learn to do, in terms of behavior. It has to do with your overall attitudes, with the way you face interpersonal and communication situations. So, it's something that is very deeply in yourself. It has to do with your mindset, regarding the interpersonal situation. It has to do with the way you see yourself in a relationship with other people, and the way you see other people contributing to your relationship and relating to yourself. So it's something very fine, very much material, but something that can really make a difference. So if I were to tell you. What really makes a difference, I would come up with some elements that are actually all connected one with the other. And the very first one from which you really have to start is you being. Aware of yourself You being aware of yourself, meaning you knowing who you are, what you want, what you think, what you want to get out from the relationship That's a really tall order as a first step. Absolutely. But, very necessary because think about how many times you wanted to be effective when communicating and you really were not. Because you were communicating something that in the end, was a little bit ambivalent. Mm-hm. because, you were ambivalent about it. You wanted to give a feedback, but at the same time, you didn't want to do so, because you didn't want to be harsh on the other person Okay. On one side, you were speaking in a very tough way, but with a smile. Mm-hm. Which was taking away the power of what you were saying. Okay? Or it could be ambivalent in content, as well, right? “I really want you guys to do this, I think, maybe, I don't know, what do you think?” Absolutely. Also, this is be aware of yourself, what you want, and the consequent. Okay? Another issue think of the fact that people are all different. So, the way you think, feel, and act is probably very different from the way other people think, feel, and act. And, I tell you, I have seen people really becoming much more effective in relating to other people, and in communicating with other people. When they finally accepted the fact that other people are different from how they are. Yeah. Another step forward, more challenging. You see differences, and you not only accept them, but you are able to see the positive in it. Every characteristic can have something negative, something positive. You train yourself in seeing the positive in the characteristics that other people have. Mm-hm. Okay? So to a certain extent we are talking about a balance, finding a balance between you focusing on yourself. Mm-hm. Okay? And you focusing on the other people, seeing the other person, seeing his or her characteristics and leveraging on them. We are talking about the dynamic balance between centering on yourself, and decentering on the other person, which is the pre-condition for you being effective when communicating. It sounds like it can be a tricky thing, because if you constantly have to remind yourself, “Oh I need to think about myself. I need to think about the other person.” That’s very difficult to do We need to internalize that. Absolutely, it may sound weird in the beginning, because yeah, you are forcing yourself a little bit. Do you remember when you learned to drive that the instruction was telling you look in the mirrors and your forced yourself to look in the mirrors, and you had these nightmares of not looking in the mirrors and you were doing this in a very artificial way. and then, finally, it gets to be a habit, a positive habit that you carry out without even knowing it, but actually you get a lot of information that is vital for you to be able to drive. Again, when relating to other people you will end up, if you train yourself doing this, focusing on yourself and focusing on the other person in a very natural way. Okay. That seems like a good best practice to focus learning on. Is there another one? I see another one that follows The first one, which is now centering and de-centering what comes next is really believing that communication really seeing, how communication is a tool for work, for solving problems for settling conflict, for negotiating solutions and, and even for learning. Because, we can say that communication is effective if and only if, in the end I have been contaminated a little bit by you, and you have been contaminated a little bit by me. And we have come up with a new meaning that makes sense to us, and that enables us to go a step forward. and that enables us to go a step forward. This is a productive potential, the power of communicating. It's a generative way of communicating. It's a generative way of communicating. It's a generative way of communicating, which starts from you believing that you can do so. Yeah. It needs your flexibility, openness and it needs you to be constructive, and to a certain extent, even creative in seeing things that you have not been paying attention to until now, Seeing things that can make a difference, combining them, and coming up with solutions or with opinion insights, and proposals that you may not have started off from. So it's really, again, a dynamic balance, me, you, structure, de-structuring and creating, new meanings to. I like that, de-structuring and structuring. Best practices often come in, in packs of three: is there a third best practice? Absolutely yes. We could not live without it the third best practice actually, is finding the right balance between emotions and rationality. Don't panic. Don't panic. What I'm saying is we usually think that to be effective in communicating, we have to be very rational, very consequent, get out very smart data. Presented, which really can make a difference. But-. Particularly in some professions,or even some cultures. I think of my own culture, German—- very structured. Remember that before you give this to the other person through communication You have to have this person on board. Mm-hm. You have to have this person to be in a relationship with you. You have to have this person engaged with what you are discussing. How do you engage them? This works best guess how? By putting in the emotional part. Mm-hm. Engaging the person by bringing in something that makes sense something that is not obvious, something that stimulates the curiosity, something that is challenging. Mm-hm. Let's go into an example, and to make an example, I’ll go into the most challenging communication situation, which is, I want to not only change your attitude, I not only want to give you some information, but I also want you to change some behaviors. Mm-hm. Very challenging. Now, how am I going to change your behaviors, how am I going to communicate with you in a compelling way? Well, I have to start from Again emotions. As a matter of fact, I have to start from creating a sense of urgency. There is something that is not the way we would like it to be. We have to do something about it. We have to really take action. And we have to do it now. Okay? And I can do so by realistically representing the situation. Maybe using a story, maybe referring to something that comes out as being very critical, so I get you engaged because I'm kind of soliciting your reptilian brain. Mm-hm. That part of the brain which is very ancient and old, that makes you be wide awake and listen with four ears, not only with two to what I'm telling you. Because, “Oh wow, I didn't know about that!” Or, “I didn't think about that!” “Oh wow, I didn't think that we have to really do something about it.” Especially if there's a kind of perceived threat or danger. That's that's the reptilian instinct. it's that oh my god there’s-! Fight or flight, and to a certain extent sometimes freeze and to a certain extent sometimes freeze but be wide awake because something is going to happen. You are really hearing, listening, looking around, and whatever. Now, to have you move, I have to get you awake by doing what I said we should be doing, but then I also have to give you a chance for getting out of it So I have to give you, or to create an idea of yeah, it's challenging but we can do it. There is a solution. There is a solution. We are in control. Look at these resources that you have all around you that you are not seeing, that you can see and activate. Let's bring them in. To a certain extent, I create a sense of urgency, but then I follow up quite immediately by creating a sense of ‘we are in control.’ ‘We can make it.’ We can activate some resources that are there and that we have left, until now, in the backstage, but actually that we can bring in the front, To work on that. Mm-hm. Create a sense of urgency, create a sense of hope, we can do it. What follows next is, what should I be doing? Are there a couple of things that I can do that can help me get it done the way we want to get it done? Yeah. So, now I have played on the emotions. I have made you stay wide awake. Concern, and then hope. Yes, hope. I made you really want to do something about it. And now I get in with some rational arguments, with some numbers, because we need them. Then to analyze the situation, to do the problem setting thing and then to finally problem solve and get ready to act and to translate the solution into real action. Okay? That's the tension there That's the tension there to prepare the ground emotionally for people to be willing to engage, and then follow up rationally Okay. Okay. Okay. Three best practices, three tensions. To learn how to balance. As you said it’s a dynamic balance. Yeah, a very dynamic balance. It Depends on the context, It depends on you, on the people you are referring to, it depends also, on the cultural context, it depends on the situation. Okay. Anything else we need to learn? Yeah, may I add something that's really important? One last thing. Yeah, So far we have seen how much communication gets to be something that happens at the intellectual level but quite a lot also on the physical level. Mm-hm. Because we have the verbal, but also the non-verbal, the meta verbal, so we use our voice in a certain way, we use our gestures, and so on. Communication happens quite a lot also. And, especially in the beginning on the emotional level. Mm-hm. To engage ourselves, to engage other people, to really act in a way that what we are saying can have an impact, we need a lot of energy. And unless we have this energy, communication is not going to produce the results that we wanted it to produce. communication is not going to produce the results that we wanted it to produce. Be aware of one very important fact, again, it's something that we take for granted, to be effective in communicating Bring in the energy that you need, and act in a way that gets you the energy that you need. And this is my last thought concerning communication. Remember that you have an impact Think about you bringing in very nice data, very nice ideas. You work on it all night and then finally when you get to do this speech. You are totally exhausted. You are totally exhausted. And you are missing very relevant parts that really make it get to your audience, and that make your audience be engaged with what you are saying. I bet that's something that people underestimate, that communication can be powerful, but for it, you need to have power. Might too actually get it done. Thank you so much Gabriella. Thank you.
