Assertive Communication: How to Do It (And Why It Matters)

Assertive communication is a form of communication through which an individual expresses their feelings and personal needs in a direct but respectful manner [1]. Researchers have linked assertiveness in communication to improved outcomes in everything from elementary school children's educational success to professional nurses' job satisfaction [2,3]. 

In this article, you’ll learn more about assertive communication, what distinguishes it from other communication styles, and how to become more assertive.  Read on to learn how respectfully speaking up can help you level up your personal and professional relationships and achieve your goals.  

What is assertive communication? Definition, style differences, and examples

Assertive communication is often confused with other forms of communication. In this section, you will learn what assertive communication is and how it differs from aggressive and passive communication. 

Assertive communication definition

Assertiveness in communication is the ability to state your feelings directly and needs respectfully. An assertive communication style neither shirks from speaking up nor aggressively forces a perspective on someone else. Assertive communication is directed by the three Cs of effective communication [4]:  

• Be clear: You communicate straightforwardly and directly state your thoughts and feelings without dressing up your language.  

• Be consistent: What you say today reflects what you said yesterday, rather than changing daily without explanation. 

• Be courteous: You respect your listener and communicate in a manner that doesn’t pass judgment on them or presume ill-intent. 

By maintaining clear, consistent, and courteous communication, assertive communicators can express their perspectives without disrespecting others. 

Assertive vs. aggressive vs. passive communication

On the spectrum of communication styles, assertiveness lies between passive and aggressive communication without falling into passive-aggressiveness. 

Aggressive communication occurs when a speaker is concerned with only their perspective and personal goals rather than considering those of their listener. Individuals who exhibit aggressive behavior are often focused on reaching their goals immediately without considering possible long-term negative consequences [2]. While aggressive communicators might succeed in having their voices heard, they also alienate those around them and negatively impact their success in the long haul.

Passive communication occurs when an individual doesn’t voice their perspective, feelings, or needs and routinely conforms to the preferences of others. Unlike aggressive communicators, passive communicators consider the potential consequences of their communication style but end up sidelining themselves for others. Research suggests that passive communicators might end up feeling depressed, helpless, and tense as a result of their communication style [2]. 

Assertive communication examples

Assertive communication bridges the gap between aggressive and passive communication. The chart below explains the differences between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication by illustrating different responses to common situations. 

Assertive communication is all about getting your point of view across to others without causing conflict. While every situation is unique, there are some consistent methods you can use to maintain respectful, assertive communication with others. 

1. Use “I” Statements

“I” statements are a form of communication in which the speaker describes their beliefs and feelings rather than attributing motives to a listener. The opposite of “I” statements are “you” statements, which shift blame from the speaker to the listener through accusatory language.  

A common formula for “I” statements is:

“I feel ____ when ____ because ____. What I need/ want is _____.”

For Instance, “I feel sad when you don’t call me back because I would like to hear from you. Could you let me know the best time to talk?” 

Using “I” statements allows you to diffuse tension with a listener by offering insight into your internal feelings. This can help the listener see how their actions made you feel and redirect their focus on solutions rather than projecting accusatory motives for their actions that only further heighten tensions. 

When disagreements arise, conversations can occasionally get heated and veer off course. To help keep things civil when voicing your perspective to another person, focus on the facts at hand rather than letting your feelings cause you to speculate about the other person’s motives. 

In keeping attention on the facts, you focus the conversation on things that can be handled at the moment and work towards solutions that benefit everyone. At the same time, focusing on what you know to be true helps minimize the negative emotions that can arise from speculating about another person’s motives. 

It can often seem much easier to say “yes” to more responsibilities than to decline someone’s request for help—even when you know you have other concerns that require your attention. 

Saying “no” to more responsibilities is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and our employers. Researchers found that overwork can not only lead to health problems like depression, sleeplessness, and heart disease but also impair judgment and decrease productivity [5]. Ironically, saying “yes” to everything can create more problems than it fixes. 

A good way to decline someone’s request is simply to say “no” and briefly explain why you can’t help. If the other person attempts to push the issue further, simply tell them “sorry” and reiterate that you don’t have the time. In some cases, you may also be able to redirect them to another person or an external resource that you feel might be able to help. 

4. Maintain a calm tone

How you communicate a message is often as important as the message itself. As a result, it is important to maintain a calm tone of voice when asserting your perspective, feelings, or needs in conversation with someone else. 

Whether we realize it or not, our tone of voice greatly impacts how we are perceived by others. According to research conducted by behavioural psychologist Dr. Albert Mehrabian, approximately 38 per cent of how others receive our communication is based on our tone of voice [6] - how we sound matters.

To communicate assertively, you should maintain an even tone of voice that remains calm and free of aggressive emotions. This technique will help you get your message across to the listener without exacerbating any possible tensions. 

5. Be aware of your body language 

Another aspect of how others receive your communication is through your body language. Do you close yourself off and turn away when someone is talking to you, or do you open up and give them your undivided attention? 

Our choices with our body language greatly impact how others receive our words. The aforementioned study conducted by Dr. Albert Mehrabian found that 55 per cent of how a message is received depends on body language [6]. The way we hold ourselves during communication often speaks louder than words. 

To embody assertive body language, stand tall in a straight but relaxed manner, maintain eye contact, and keep your body open with uncrossed arms. Showing interest with an open demeanour will highlight your respect for them and yourself. 

Next steps

Good communication is the cornerstone of good personal and professional relationships. If you are looking to hone your communication abilities, you might consider taking the University of Pennsylvania’s short online course on Improving Communication Skills or their longer Achieving Personal and Professional Success Specialization. 

With good communication strategies, you’ll be more effective in every aspect of your life – from your workplace to your home.